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……….lol

Regarding my other posts. 

You make me feel so desperate. Like I just want to reach out for help, and you don’t even want to listen to me. I don’t see how you can completely ignore the way I feel, and you only want what you want.

It’s all about you. It’s not feel for you to be so selfish while you’re supposed to be raising five kids. You already raised me and my brother, so you should just be trying to move on passed the bull-shit you put us through when we were kids. I know you can’t forgive yourself for all the hurt you did to us, but honestly, I can’t even forgive you so how can you forgive yourself?

I feel so alone. I need a hole. 

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You disgust me.

  Why did you follow me? Why? All I wanted to do was go into the kitchen so that I could blow my nose… if I knew it would have happened I wouldn’t have walked in there. 

I was shaking just when you would touch me, touch my hips and try and tickle me. I’M NOT FUCKING TICKALISH. DAMN IT. I didn’t want you to touch me, I even kept on saying “Stop.” I was trying to be soft because I knew it was late and your family, whom I love, was sleeping right above us. 

I couldn’t take the pressure of knowing that you were trying to kiss me. I know you like the back of my hand. I knew what you wanted — even what you were thinking. You’re the most easy person to read. I can’t stand it anymore… so we kissed. I can’t stand your lips upon mine, I just can’t. You don’t know how to kiss. All these girls want you, but they don’t want YOU, they want someone who is just as “good-looking as you.” You’re ugly. In every aspect, but I fucking love you.

I don’t understand either, you shake your head like you understand me, but you really don’t. I don’t even know myself anymore. My past has officially eaten me up on the inside. You killed me so long ago, and I still let you use me. You say you’re not using me, but that’s bull. You know what you want, and I ALWAYS give it to you. Why? Because it’s easy. You’re easy. Feel good about yourself now? Well you shouldn’t.

I didn’t want your lips on my neck, I didn’t. I knew what you wanted — and that you were going to get it. Your hands are like hammers to my side. You just clenched onto me like a newborn baby to his mother.  It hurt. It really hurt, more than you know. 

We sat there talking, before you got what you wanted. Before you were releaved and so was I.  I called my best-friend because I didn’t want to stay there. I wanted to leave right away but she said I didn’t have to be back for another hour. That gave him plently of time to get what he wanted from me. 

You wrapped your dry red lips around my soft pink lips, and tried sticking your tongue down my throat. I wanted to kick you off of me, but I couldn’t move. You were on top of me, like a summo wrestler so heavy, I could barely breathe. You didn’t even take my clothes off. You didn’t give me that respect… or even choice. I said, No, point blank. I said, I didn’t want to have sex with you. I said it wasn’t going to happen… but it did. It happened. And this wasn’t the first time you used me either. 

You say you like me, but it’s not me you like, it’s the sex you like. That’s all what guys like. Sex. Sex. Sex. SEX IS FUCKING DISGUSTING. AND I HATE MYSELF. 

Can I please just die now?

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